Daringly Stupid Spring Compost Kickstart Method #7

Note: tight fit­ting lid with car­bon fil­ters rec­om­mended for steps 1–3

  1. At the height of cit­rus sea­son in mid-January, grow lazy and “for­get” to take out com­post pail for three weeks (“it’s cold!”).
  2. Dis­cover fright­en­ing black wiry mold grow­ing over grape­fruit remains, and quickly close lid of pail. Call off com­post­ing of veg­gie scraps until spring.
  3. Leave pail on counter until late March.
  4. Decide that you should not leave the pail on the counter while you go on a spring break trip to sunny Florida, just in case the con­tents of the pail decide to make a break for it while you are gone.
  5. Set the pail on the back porch for the last few snowy weeks of the year until mid-April and the start of gar­den­ing season.
  6. Grow dis­il­lu­sioned with try­ing to pull up the Lambs Ear that you planted two sum­mers ago, despite the warn­ings from Grandma Alice (“it’s like a weed! it spreads!”).
  7. Mean­der over to the com­post pail and lift the lid.
  8. Become intrigued by the foamy, mush­room­ing sub­stance inside the pail.
  9. Decide to pour the con­tents of the pail into your black com­post bin, which is full to the top of brown, dry gar­den waste from last fall.
  10. Mar­vel at the way you can still iden­tify a few car­rot tops and an onion skin at the bot­tom of a pile of sludge.
  11. Cringe at the smell waft­ing up from the anaer­o­bic pile of toxic slime.
  12. Decide to use the com­post aer­a­tor to “mix in” the slime and encour­age break­down of exist­ing brown matter.
  13. Remem­ber that your com­post bin is pre­car­i­ously bound together with zip ties, and poke the mass of dis­gust­ing­ness gently.
  14. Pull out the hose and apply water to both the bin and the pail, the lat­ter of which clearly needs to be left out in the sun to “air out”.
  15. Stir a bit more vig­or­ously, until you real­ize that flecks of vom­i­tous wretched goo have landed on your left arm.
  16. Run away quickly as an angry wasp tries to find out why you have poi­soned his home with putrid cit­rus matter.
  17. Return bro­ken lid to bin, and secure in place with heavy rock.
  18. Debate with John about whether to call the envi­ron­men­tal pro­tec­tion agency.
  19. Shower (extra soap required).
  20. Wait for your com­post to turn into a lovely, rich pile of organic goodness!
Posted: April 18th, 2010
Categories: Daily
Tags: , ,
Comments: 1 Comment.
Comment from Joanna Moore - April 19, 2010 at 3:34 pm

This makes com­post­ing so compelling.